So, Take It With You

(or, doing it scared)

Typically, I am no longer scared of going to the hospital. Being a Cancer Shark has become its own kind of work, and like most jobs I have held, I have learned how to do this one well.

But today was different.

Today was my first dermatology skin check, and I was far more nervous than I expected to be. I knew exactly why.

In my head, I was running a familiar movie. One where the dermatologist would look at my skin, point to something obvious, and tell me that if I had only come sooner, none of this would have happened. A movie where hindsight became accusation.

I knew the movie was fiction. For two reasons. First, the doctors where I am treated do not talk that way. Second, I had no evidence to support the script other than fear.

Still, fear does not need evidence.

So I decided to do it scared.

The appointment was on the second floor of the Cancer Center, the only floor I had not yet had reason to visit. That alone felt strange. New territory in a building that has come to feel uncomfortably familiar.

As soon as I found the waiting room, something unexpected happened. The television was on. Not muted. And not tuned to the usual Food Network or public broadcasting that quietly hums through nearly every screen in this place.

It was The Drew Barrymore Show.

This may sound small, but it mattered.

Drew has become part of my mornings with Todd. My days are slower now. My body demands it. That works out well with my oncologist’s schedule, but not all doctors align so neatly. The only dermatology appointment I could get was at ten in the morning.

That meant leaving the house early. No coffee. No couch. No Drew.

So walking into the waiting room and seeing Drew on the screen, talking with Oprah of all people, felt like a little wink. A gentle sign that I could breathe and be.

I told myself the truth. Even if I had missed something. Even if the worst had already happened. I was still here. No one was going to be cruel to me.

And they were not.

The dermatologist examined my skin carefully. There were no obvious melanomas. Nothing had been missed.

I did choose to biopsy one large skin tag on my back, something that has been there for as long as I can remember seeing my own body. Even then, the dermatologist said he would be surprised if it turned out to be anything concerning.

I did not miss anything.
Neither did my primary care doctors.

The relief was quiet but profound.

I know, logically, that Drew Barrymore and Oprah had nothing to do with my skin check or its outcome. But logic does not always get credit in moments like these. Comfort does.

Today, comfort arrived in an unexpected form. A familiar voice. A reminder that none of my medical appointments end in blame. That sometimes fear does not get its ending.

I did the thing I was afraid to do. I did it scared. And when it was over, there was nothing to forgive.

At the end of each show, Drew says, “We make this show for you, so take it with you.” And today, I really did.

The quick pic I took to send to Todd, showing what was on the TV. Also, we can all agree that Douglas (Drew’s dog) is such a lovebug. I wonder if Drew would ever let me bring Zara on the show? Actually, that movie might not go as I’d picture it. In reality, Zara’s an anxious lovebug (like her mom).